Self-awareness as a superpower

We don't always know the real reason behind our actions. We may consider something a free decision, even though beneath the surface it is driven by fear, past experience or the need to be accepted.

Before a visit, for example, we clean the whole house. Not because a clean home makes us happy, but because we don't want others to think badly of us. We want to show ourselves in the best light, feel good enough and be sure we're not doing anything wrong.

And that's the trap. The effort to do everything right and appear perfect is unattainable. None of us is perfect — including me.

Self-awareness isn't about never reacting automatically or never making a mistake again. It's about the attitude we take towards it. We can stay open, notice our reaction and ask:

What is really driving me right now, and how do I want to act?

Simply noticing is already a win. It gives us the chance to decide differently — in that moment, or at the next opportunity.

Self-awareness gradually brought me greater clarity about who I am, what I want and how I want to live. It helped me understand myself better, build deeper relationships and make decisions I can stand behind. My journey to it began at a time when what I needed most was to understand what was happening inside me and what might help.

At thirteen, I lost someone close to me — my dad — in a tragic car accident. I waited two hours for the rescue workers, trapped in the car with a broken femur. All that time I could see my mum, who had fallen into a coma and then spent nearly half a year in hospital.

Overnight, I found myself without a family, carrying deep trauma that took root in my body too. Difficult feelings began to pile up inside me. They grew, and I chose a strategy of escape. I ran into relationships, into work. I kept myself busy and everywhere at once, never stopping, never alone with myself.

When I later ran all the way to Australia, hoping to finally start living a better life, everything I had been suppressing caught up with me there. I started looking for answers: What is happening to me? What would help? What can I do about it?

And so I set out on my journey to self-awareness.

First I needed to understand how the things I had lived through had shaped me, and to gradually process my trauma so it would no longer run my life. Then further realizations followed.

I could handle the hard moments, but I wasn't prepared for many ordinary life situations.

I didn't know who I was or what I truly wanted. I couldn't communicate clearly, express my needs, or build the deep relationships I longed for. Gradually I learned to be myself in my relationships with others. Later, to build a business in a way that lets it grow without becoming its slave.

Self-awareness thus became part of every area of my life. What I understood about myself, I learned to put into practice — into conversations, decisions and the way I work and treat myself.

I haven't fixed my whole life. But I learned to respond when a challenge comes.

Even today there are moments that catch me off guard. But I recognize better what is happening inside me and look for what I need to do in that situation. I learned to stop running from what's unpleasant or difficult. To let myself feel pain again and stop getting lost in it. Little by little I became mentally stronger and gained more confidence in myself.

I learned to recognize where my boundaries are and to communicate them with respect for others, so that we can reach a mutual agreement. To say clearly what I need while still listening. Sometimes that means finding a way to continue together. Sometimes it means accepting the end of a relationship or a collaboration. Even that can happen with dignity and respect for myself and the other person.

I learned to lead myself and to respond to life. And I keep learning with every new experience.

My work grows out of this journey. I help people recognize what drives their reactions, decisions and relationships, and to turn that understanding into concrete changes. So they can be clearer about what they want, express it, and find their own path. Online and with horses.